Words from a late night solitary loneliness. Before the chaotic horrors of this week.
Home is a place I no longer know. Home is a place I cannot understand. Home is a place I dream of. Except. It is dark. It is black. It is a nightmare. It is the unknown. I don’t know what it is anymore.
Is it comfort?
Home is a place where I was told the worst. Home is a place I was beaten until I was down. Home is a place where I met my demons. Home is what I cannot get away from. And yet, home is elusive. It does not exist. Home is a place I cannot reach. Home is complex, a part of me, another part of me, interconnected, disconnected. The sparks are no longer lit.
Home is something I search for. Where are you, home? Home is you. Home is you. And you. And you. Home is a place, where the wounds open up again. And again. Home is where, once you arrive, you make your mark only to be slapped in the face. Once again. And again. Home is a I forgot. An embrace I have not yet had. Home is security. Home is stability. I have neither. And yet, I feel secure. Home is a roof over my head. Or is that false security? Home is a place where family I barely know live.
Home is where I lived a marvelous experience. Never to be repeated because I was too stupid to realize what really mattered.
Home is a place which taught me toxicity. Home is a dead grandfather whose kind and generous reputation stands side by side by trauma. Is home trauma? Home is trying to figure out who I am.
Home is a society, who tried to banish me and yet still wants me to conform.
Home is a group of unknown people I met under the cedar flag, dancing, chanting a battle cry of revolution. People I might never meet again.
Because that’s what I am. A person without a home. Home is an illusion. Home is a mirage, never to come.
(Note: I’m doing all right, thanks for asking. Home is a weird concept. I’ve lived in a lot places. And my heritage is all over the place. I’m still learning a lot about myself and who am I. The photo I leave you with this week is a huge part of my heritage. And yet, my heart right now is in a few places at once. Home is elusive. )